Let me start by saying, that I'm completely blessed that God is my guide and my protection. I give all the glory to him! I had a start in life where I thought happiness was just a given. I thought, surely, you can't just run out like you can gas in your car or milk for your cereal. Oh boy! Was I ever wrong.
I was born at the end of 1984 to my parents, who already had a failing marriage. I don't have much knowledge of what it was that caused their marriage to dissolve but, at age 1 my parents divorced and I was to be in my father's custody. This landed me in the care of my Grammie. No problem, if you asked me! My Grammie was everything to me, the apedemy of love, in my eyes. She was the first evidence of God's existence in my life. She talked to me about God and Heaven, and answered all my questions, every night, at bedtime. My Grammie's death was my shove into a world where I was alone, without her. I can't remember, really, being understood since.
Despite my Grammie's death, I've remained an optimist for life and love. My lack of identity was where my problems emerged. Not that I understood this, to be my problem, at the time. I recognized my inability to see a clear picture of what i wanted for my future. This was brought to my attention in a way that I couldn't ignore! I was a Junior in high school and I was in some class that I can't remember. My teacher, who i don't remember either, asked the class to raise our hand if we knew what we were going to college for, what career path we would be taking. Well, 😬 I was the only one not to raise their hand! 😶🌫️. I was mortified! To make things worse, I was then a concern of my teacher and she needed to address this right away. I understood this is a reason for any caring teacher to want to help, so I didn't hold this against her. I'm used to feeling, on the spot, at this point. I've been a member of the social anxiety club for as long as I remember. I've changed schools a zillion times and gotten looked at as different before. But, this means that I've also learned how to get the attention off me, by feeding them what they want to hear so we can move on, and I can breathe again 😮💨. This situation was no exception! I told her I could be a photographer and acted as if she helped me, and that was that📸. I wasn't feeling much pressure to plan my future. I didn't have any passion for a career or hobby even. I was concerned usually about trying to fit in with my peers and trying to understand them, not myself. I couldn't see, much at all, beyond my anxieties about not having that feeling of belonging and acceptance. This became my way of measuring my own worth. I didn't realize how detrimental it would be for my future, to base my self worth on the acceptance of other people. I didn't understand what I was missing out on or how crucial it was to broaden my horizons 😔. I'm so much more of a beautiful person, with way more to offer, than I ever thought possible! 🤯
Today, for me to say that I consider myself a creative person is so beyond what I could ever imagine! I liked coloring and drawing as a kid but I didn't give myself a good review, and put aside any thoughts of artistic talent. I never did my best work based on creativity. I was quicker with English and learning facts. I did well on tests and homework. I didn't seek a creative outlet, I watched TV. I didn't get out much, and I was mostly sheltered due to anxiety making me miserable at the thought. Not that i didn't attend the occasional sleepover or hangout with friends. I went to parties here and there. I found that I liked to drink and I could be social without all the pesky, debilitating nerves getting in the way. I also learned that I was to become a smoker due to the wonderful feeling of being accepted 🙄. Thanks to the grace of God I wasn't a candidate for alcoholism🙌🏻. But, unfortunately I couldn't kick my cool new cigarette habit😒. I had given my Grammie so much grief over smelling her second hand smoke, just to find myself inhaling it straight from the source, like it was heaven🤦🏻♀️. I really loved smoking cigarettes! I made it a hobby, really. I didn't ,much, care what was going on in life, as long as i could rely on my trusty cigarette to be there when i needed it. But, let's just say, I lacked a lot of smarts when it came to my health. The risk of cancer wasn't as important as being a part of the crowd. I needed to be connected to others just enough to not be lame, but not so much that I was overwhelmed. So, after graduating high school, from the 4th high school I had attended, I went into the workforce. My first job was grocery bagging at a grocery store in Michigan. I started that job as a bagger but promoted to stocker, before I moved on. From there I went back home, to North Carolina, and got a job as a cashier at a gas station. I got comfortable there and didn't want to leave that job, but after 8 years, 2 failed relationships, and 3 beautiful babies (my greatest accomplishments, and I've not ever been worthy of them) I vowed a fresh start! I needed to make a change for the better, for my kids and myself. I couldn't continue being the "worthless," "lazy", "cheater", or whatever, words could be thought up in order to knock me down. I didn't end up making the change I thought I would. But, my next job got me more money.
I found myself in another relationship with nowhere to go, but stretched it out as long as it would go. I became dependent upon the "free" "childcare" so it was more beneficial to stay in it then to let it go, sadly. But, I was able to move up in position to Supervisor, so I could afford life a bit easier. Let me just say, I was flattered to be considered for this position because I worked hard! But, I didn't want to be a supervisor, that's just like saying I like to be tortured, for fun. I was in my 30's, at the time, and the 20 something's were, mostly whiny, and unwilling to except the hard days. I was already, because of short staffing, working skeleton shifts that also included trainees that required my time and patience. I was exhausted, mentally overextended, and already dreading the next day at the end of every shift I worked. So, I was not enthusiastic about taking on more responsibility😣. I also couldn't turn down the extra $3/hour. So, I made the decision to go for the raise.
At first, I wasn't feeling the difference from one pay level to the next. I remember feeling like I should have done that years ago. I wasn't mad at my new paychecks either. Not that I was saved from being evicted from, yet another, rental property. I guess making more money just means i can afford to give away more money. I guess that's what failed relationship #3 was thinking as $20 ATM transactions were "mysteriously" disappearing out of my bank account. I bounced back because my next home belonged to me 🤗. Proud doesn't even begin to describe how that felt! I was going to stay in ONE place! I told the kids that it was going to be different this time. No more immature little boys claiming to be men. I was DONE!!! And I was adimit about it! I didn't want to give anyone the time of day after that. You could've been Channing Tatum and I wasn't even going to entertain the idea.
So, tell me how I let myself fall for it again!!!🤦🏼♀️😣🤦🏼♀️ It's like I've got some kind of mental disorder!!! I can't even lie, it's like I'm mentally challenged when it comes to serious relationships😦. And from it gets worse!
It's like I have to get one up on myself each time! I married the next bad decision. Looking back, I must have been in a zombie-like state. My exhaustion was exhausted 😞. But, I couldn't resist the innate ability I have for being a push-over and a people pleaser. I didn't have a clue how to change this. I didn't have room for the amount of change it was going to take for me to get away from that toxic pattern. I knew there was something lacking in me, but I was never able to prevent the inevitable. For lack of a better conclusion, I would chalk it up to being blind to the red flags.
Unfortunately, seeing red flags & confronting those red flags are two separate abilities. I couldn't seem to justify using their downtalls as reasons to be someone who couldn't be compassionate & supportive for them. I see the best in people, even if it's through small examples, that are few and far between. It's not something I've been able to overcome, but I'm learning not to dislike anything that comes from my heart. As long as I'm including God in my journey, I'm not letting the "zombie-like" state come into play. But, inevitably, my marriage did come to an end😞. I'm only disappointed that, while looking back, I know we could have done better. And it only breaks my heart when I remember us being together when substance abuse wasn't in the picture. Those were the genuine moments that choke me up when my mind wonders. But, not the way I'm choked up over missing my kids 🥺😭😭😭. I'm currently out here in Florida, without them. And that's incredibly difficult because they do not understand that I'm led here by God. They're like, "" just come back here, Mom" 🥺. But, if I was to do that, I know it would be harder to get where God is leading me. My soul yearns for them, and I've caused them to hate me 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭! There's not a word, that I'm aware of, that can describe this pain; there's not an emoji, I've ever seen, that can depict the ugliness of the cry that this feeling invokes😣😩😫😭😭😭😭😭.
God, keep me focused, I don't have time to waste. I trust in your plan, I know your knowledge is not the same as the knowledge of the world. My faith is strong and my heart pure. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼.
To be continued...
Take care of your Happiness! I can't stress enough how valuable of a thing you'll do for yourself and the ones you lo...
